One of the most limiting ideas we inherit is the belief that life must fit into neat categories. We are taught to think in binaries: work or family, strength or vulnerability, structure or flexibility, personal life or professional life, people or performance.
The longer I lead, however, the more convinced I become that most of the important truths in life and leadership are not either/or propositions. They are both/and realities. You can be rebuilding financially and still live a rich and meaningful life. You can be deeply committed to your work and unwilling to sacrifice your health and relationships. You can be healing and ambitious, joyful and still carrying hard things. In fact, sustainable leadership depends on our ability to hold multiple truths at once.
I thought that hitting rock bottom was required and starting from scratch was the only way forward.
When Either/Or Stops Working
For several years, I operated as if I had to choose. I believed that if I wanted to rebuild my business after a difficult divorce, multiple relocations, and a prolonged season of uncertainty, I needed to put my head down and hustle until I “got back.”
But I had no intention of postponing joy until every business goal was achieved, so I simply rejected the either/or proposition. I decided to choose an alternative path. I chose to show up for work and show up for my life simultaneously.
I am a newlywed, an empty nester, and a woman who loves to travel and experience life. Both are possible, and embracing that truth has not only been incredibly freeing, but it has also made me a more balanced and effective consultant.
What Marriage Is Teaching Me About Leadership
When I remarried, I initially dropped thirty years of old models, practices, and ways of being into my new relationship. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t work.
Thankfully, we were able to name and quickly disrupt the elements that were no longer serving us. For example, I quickly realized that I did not want to share closet space; after years of managing my own environment, I needed every inch of the space I had. Likewise, what initially felt frustrating—my husband dropping his wallet, keys, and coat in the common area—became much less of an issue once we created a dedicated man cave. He still drops everything when he comes home; he just goes up a few extra steps before he does.
Instead of arguing about little things or deciding whose way was right or wrong, we found ways to eliminate the problem instead of attacking the person. We are now creating a union with rituals that reflect the way we actually live today—not a recycled model inherited from times long gone.
We divide responsibilities based on what works for us. Sometimes he cooks, sometimes I cook, and sometimes neither of us cooks. The point is not who does what. The point is that we are intentionally designing a system that fits our values, our strengths, and our current reality.
That is exactly what effective leaders and organizations must do.
Templates Are Helpful. They Are Not the Truth.
Early in my entrepreneurial journey, I modeled my business after the large consulting firms that came before me. For probably the first decade of my work, I operated as a very buttoned-up, stoic consulting firm because I thought that was what credibility and professionalism were supposed to look like.
But over time, I realized that model did not actually fit who I was, how I was meant to contribute, or the kinds of organizations and cultures I served best. Eventually, it started to fizzle out because it wasn’t authentic. I was borrowing a model instead of building one rooted in my own values, voice, and strengths.
I now see many leaders doing the same thing inside organizations, particularly mission-driven organizations with big impact goals and very small staffs. Leaders inherit outdated assumptions and harmful workplace cultures because they are trying to replicate systems built for entirely different environments.
Employees are expected to leave their personal lives at the door. Productivity is prioritized over connection. Structure is valued more than trust, and performance is treated as separate from belonging. But those approaches rarely work well in smaller, highly relational environments where trust, flexibility, and culture are essential to sustainability.
And when I say culture, I don’t mean surface-level perks or performative gestures. I don’t mean jeans on Fridays or motivational posters on the wall. I mean what people actually say about the organization when leadership is not around. I mean whether people feel safe, valued, trusted, and connected to the mission and to one another.
That matters now more than ever.
In an era shaped by technology, artificial intelligence, public accountability, and younger generations pushing us toward greater social consciousness, organizations cannot afford to treat people as disconnected from their humanity. Human beings do not become less human when they come to work. Employees are not just output; they are also input.
Templates can absolutely serve as a starting point. But they should never become the unquestioned standard.
The Both/And Leader
Both/and leadership rejects false choices. It recognizes that organizations can be strategic and human, accountable and compassionate, structured and flexible, mission-driven and deeply relational.
It also recognizes that leaders can be ambitious and present, resilient and vulnerable, productive and fully alive. And individuals can build lives that make room for both responsibility and joy.
The Shift
This is the essence of the Make Shift Happen model. First, we rediscover who we really are. Then we determine what truly needs to shift. Next, we develop a strategy that actually fits. Finally, we deliver in a way that aligns with our values, strengths, and vision.
The goal is not to force ourselves into inherited models. The goal is to design systems, relationships, and organizations that reflect what is true now.
Because the more we release false binaries, the freer we become.
And that is where real shift happens.
